Holding On to Letting Go. Again.

SHEDDING SKIN WRITING PRACTICE:

Honor my Mother.

GeorgAnna Musgrove-SmithA dear Girlfriend suggested I Honor the woman who brought me into this world. “For you to receive the abundance that is your birth right, Carola, you have to Honor the woman who brought you here. Then you can receive love from your Sisters, and from Mother Earth.” 

Acknowledging my Mother is like looking in the mirror and accepting what I see. Now at age 53, I’m looking more like my Mom. My laugh is sounding more like hers too.

Currently, I’m teaching a writing workshop called SHEDDING SKIN.  For Writing Practice I decided to write my Mom a letter.

Before Now…

I tolerated her. I didn’t accept her.

I didn’t accept her alcoholism, smoking, obesity, bigotry, height, smell.

I tolerated that she brought me here.

I tolerated that she was trying to be healthy and educate herself during her last years of life.

My Mom died at age 62 from Congestive Heart Failure. She had Diabetes and 4 Cardiac Bypass Surgeries. My Dad’s alive, probably 84 years old, and still working his Business selling Spy Equipment.

It’s pissing me off right now. The woman who had the courage to love my Father, her crazy kids, herself….dies of Congestive Heart Failure. The man who fears loving his kids and grand-kids, and loathes his second wife, survives.

Dammit! My father’s still on top! He’s still the ‘stronger’ one. And he runs more fear through his veins than I would think is humanly possible. Shouldn’t he have Irritable Bowel Syndrome or Liver Cancer? God forgive me for thinking that.

Weird, l feel my Mom and Dad dancing Flow and Staccato rhythms in my body.

Liquid love elastic heart beats steady in my chest. A slow strong pulse calms me.

I catch my breath. My breath feels thrown out of my mouth from my diaphragm. 

Right Now- I’m pissed off and feel compassion run through my veins.

How odd to have anger and love run through me side by side.

It’s like I’m Inhaling Love and Exhaling Anger. 

Ahhhh…Purr and Growl. So so familiar.

Even while I’m invigorated by Anger, I’m some how calmer than I’ve been in ages. Yeah. I’m angry that my Father Lives and my Mother is Dead.

How do I honor my Mother?

How do I give thanks for her love?

Here goes…Dear Mom.

GeorgAnna Musgrove-Lambert 1992
GeorgAnna Musgrove-Lambert 1992

Thank you Mother for saying Yes to birthing me. Your last child. Even though your marriage was already shaking apart, you said yes to bringing me here. And the story goes, I was born feet first, vaginally, instead of cesarian. That must have hurt like hell. And you stayed alive through the birth and gave me life.

Thank you Mother for letting me go, when I asked to live else where. It took Big Love to Release me. First at age 7 to my Father and then again at age 16 you gave me up to the State of Texas so I could be a foster child and finish High School.

Thank you for becoming sober. For going to school to wake up and sharpen your tools to share yourself with the world.

Thank you for researching your ancestry and writing down your memories to share with your grandchildren and with me.

Thank you Mom for being honest and real.

Thank you Mom for all your laughter, anger and confusion.

You have taught me how to be a real woman and a real person, with out compromise.

You laughed with your whole body. You looked me straight into my eyes. You didn’t give into society’s norm of what woman is. You appeared shameless and bold. 

Thank you for only saying good things about my Father, when you could have said the horrible-like him not paying child support, or abandoning you, me, and his sons. You chose to be silent rather than be the victim.

I am just now realizing you were not the victim.

That you did land on your feet, you were on top.

Mostly landing in Integrity. Landing in Love. Self-Love.

Before now, I’ve felt Misogyny run through my veins. I’ve felt arrogance fortify my stone wall. Before now I thought my strength came from hiding. Now seeing you with fresh eyes, I see your strength was in being vulnerable, real, and damn honest.

Reverend Carola Marashi Officiating Garry & Ruthie's Wedding
Reverend Carola Marashi Showing her Curves.

Okay Mom. I am woman born from woman.

I am a Sister respecting Sisterhood.

I choose to remember Woman is Strong and Soft.

I am learning Silence is Discerning.

I can imagine that I can Accept (instead of Tolerate)

my Real Woman Curves, Dimples, Ripples, and Vericose Veins 

as I Accept and Honor you Mom.

The Courage to Love is Fresh Oxygen Pumping Through My Heart.

Your Courage Ignites my Courage Mom.

Thank You.

Your Daughter,

Carola

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Believe In The Power Of Love.

Love keeps Flowing, Changing, and Serving.

Love doesn’t Stop, Quit or Break.

Carola Marashi M.A. has a Master’s Degree in Transpersonal Psychology and is an Ordained Minister. Her 30 years of Professional Practice serve Intuition and Compassion. Author of 2 Published Books, Sensual Eating, and Sacred Dance Tarot, emphasizing communion with Body, Mind and Soul. She offers Intuitive Counseling, Couples Counseling and Officiates Weddings. Currently she lives simply and close to the earth in Talent Oregon on a permaculture sanctuary. 

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In Gratitude,

Carola 512-925-0625

Believing the power of Love!

Believing the power of Love!

 

 

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To live long enough to feel the pain of time pass.

Carola Marashi M.A. Intuition Counselor

To live long enough to feel the pain of time pass. 

People come and go.
Born and then die.

Right now as I grieve the loss of a dancing brother…
I wonder.
I’ve left behind Austin-my family, my dance, my community.
I moved 2000 miles away.
I see their pictures on FB.
Babies born show how time moves.
Do I move forward?

Shifting sand washes over my toes as I stand on the beach.

I feel a tug on the bottoms of my feet as the water goes back into the ocean.
I stand firm, digging my toes into the sand.
I make a stand.

What moves forward?
What is left behind?
The tide ebbs and flows.
The moon waxes and wanes.

Leave behind.
What does that mean?
It’s what I do, moment to moment.
Leave behind hopes, unmet dreams.
I leave lovers behind.

Dammit. Under my breath.  Regret.
Future didn’t go where I imagined.

What did I vision?
Happily ever after.
And happily ever after didn’t happen.

Mom and Dad didn’t stay together.

I didn’t watch my brothers grow up.
I didn’t become a teacher in a university.

Robert LeachHappily ever after
Didn’t happen with my Austin Ecstatic dance community (Body Choir).
I wanted my dance community to dance under one roof.
I thought I’d live in Austin until I died.

I moved away.
Did I move forward?

A dear friend said to me…
“It takes a decade…Carola, for dreams to come alive.”
I didn’t listen…
I left behind dreams that did not come alive…
Oops. I didn’t have patience to wait a decade.

Moving forward is looking through the BIG windshield.

Not through the small review mirror. 

Big Al