ReUniting with Orphaned Family

carola bday pict
Of course I had NO idea what I was asking for when I started
“Help Carola ReUnite with Orphaned Family” 
GoFundMe campaign. Connecting with one of my nieces prompted me to reunite with my orphaned family. Courage flooded the frontal lobe of my brain and washed away any reservations. Then OUCH! My heart squeezed, twisted and contorted resisting more emotional input. Family drama is what I see in movies, not what I personally experience. That’s one of the benefits of being orphaned-Right? Naively, I forgot that when I wanted to reunite my family.You’ve heard that truth is what sets you free. Truth can also feel like dying.

The short story:
The darkest family secrets of betrayal, sexual abuse, and child prostitution were some of the ghosts set free.

What happened:
I woke up in the middle of the night screaming
“You mother fucker!”
I was pounding the bed with my fists,
screaming at my dad.
I realized it wasn’t a nightmare.

What I discovered:
Resistance.
Denial.
More resistance.

What got exposed:
More abuse, incest, and sex trafficking.
My evil step mother really did have an identical evil twin.
More deception, misogyny, and suicide.

Where I am now:
I cut my hair. I’m not hiding anymore or confusing my sexuality with my long hair.
Shaking, sweating, and praying for wisdom to lead me.
Humble and swollen with compassion for others who excavate family secrets.
Breathing and taking a break from ‘family drama’.
Surrounding myself with family love and high functioning family interactions.

What I look forward to:
More writing practice to integrate this journey.
Sharing this process to support others who excavate family secrets.
Standing tall. Showing up more authentic and transparent.

Sometimes I hesitated moving forward and hid from shame and fear.
Y’ALL believing in me — fueled my courage and kept the light on for me.
I couldn’t have kept going and crossed the finish line without YOU.
I may not have ‘family’ at my back. I DO have Y’ALL—my extended—Chosen Family at my back.

With a humble quaking heart,
Carola Lah

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