Naked Under My Skin

Being Human is the Real Spiritual Practice.

Being Human is the Real Spiritual Practice.

Solitude. Intimate. Vulnerable. Humble. This is how I feel when I’m naked under my skin.

Naked Under My Skin

Yeah. Naked. Humanly Naked.ecstatic chakras

Last Sunday in Portland’s Ecstatic Dance, someone stood up and said

“I’m from Grass Valley California, and our dance is ‘the cool’ dance. You know you can’t dance ugly when you’re all caught up in looking cool. I feel so at home in my skin here in Portland. Thanks for dropping your shit, and being real today.”

I don’t show up to dance to be- anything. Not cool. Not happy, or nice or spiritual. I show up to be…human.

Okay. I suck at being human. Right? To get here to dance, driving, I cut in front of people. I passed homeless folks without giving them money or even eye contact. I drank coffee and ate chocolate grown in non-sustainable farms. My ‘doggy bag’ was put into a styro-foam container.

 

…I arrive at dance. Rattled. Just drove through traffic. Highways. Tunnels. Bridges. Noise in you to music againCars. Bicycles. Pedestrians. Dogs on leashes. Concrete. More concrete. I drank 2 shots of espresso. I’m wearing tight-clingy dance clothes. I drop on the dance floor.

Horizontal.

I sprawl flat and attempt to touch as much of my body from head to toe on the floor. My round skull feels lumpy. My bony protrusions-shoulder blades, elbows, hip bones and ankles feel extra large and it takes awhile for my body to let go. It’s like I am wearing a Fireman’s armor, and as I roll on the floor, I slowly shed it and maybe eventually I begin to feel my body touch the floor.

Sometimes someone else is rolling on the floor near me and I’ll roll over and join them in a contact dance. We’ll take turns smashing and rolling out each other’s crunchiness. One person is a rolling pin and the other person gets rolled flat like dough. 

I often feel compressed-from the inside. Literally I am crowded with sensation. contact Eugene Yahats 2013Even when I’m sitting still, inside I’m swirling. My mind is tossing and turning. My mental images might be strobing from all the visual input of my phone screen. My ears may be roaring from audio input-music, urban noise, recalling conversations and shouts of unsaid withholds to avoid conflict.

Then an ‘Angel’ appears and squeezes me. My outside is squeezed, like how my insides feel cramped. 

At first, I can barely gasp for air.  I die. The ‘old’ life is squeezed out of me. The agitated, eager, caffeinated part of me surrenders under the external pressure of human pressing human, and what remains is humble, vulnerable, naked human . I go from solitude to intimacy. Inside the hug- My heart beats with their heart. And then I have to let go. Present tense human pressing me flat-pushes out past tense survival skills. The ‘Now’ me dominates the old me.

The smush of body weight against the floor feels like a full body hug.

Now, let’s return to ‘ecstatic dance’.

ecstasy  Latin from Greek ekstasis ‘standing outside oneself’.  

Ecstatic Dance:  To move, flail in rhythmic motion, a spontaneous combustion of authenticity in human form.

To be an empathic, sensitive, authentic Human Being

demands discernment;

requires choosing responsibly;

feeds on doing service;

and produces compassion-

AFTER LOT’S OF DANCING.Ecstatic Dance August 2015

My greatest desire is that eventually, by the end of 90 minutes of sweating my prayers, I’ll become human again. Naked under my skin.

Vinn Marti -Arjuna, Father of Soul Motion says “Dance ugly and drool”. 

When I’m dancing, I feel my roots. Around my tail bone and between my legs, I feel energy.

My heart twinges, my skin tingles.

Energy enters me from the soles of my feet runs through the palms of my hands and blows out from the top of my head. And then energy enters me from the palms of my hands and dances out my feet. I am spontaneously combusting love.
picasso dancer

When I show up, my presence makes a difference. There is no doubt that my dance impacts my world.

Every breath ripples laughter in and out of me. Laughter moves me. Joy moves me. Gratitude blasts through my body like sonic waves. I am Boundless. I Defy gravity. Lyrical comes to me. I am danced.

Vibrating, purring. I hum. I am humble.

Titilated.  Every cell stimulated.

My skin wrapper is glittering.  

 

Being Human is the Real Spiritual Practice.

Solitude. Intimate. Vulnerable. Humble. This is how I feel when I’m naked under my skin.

 

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Love Leaves Me Feeling Naked and Exposed.

being seen image

No more playing Invisible, Hide ‘N’ Seek, or Catch Me if You Can! 

It takes Courage to Love and right now, my heart is sore.  I’m hitting up against walls, heart walls.

Dancing Save Our Springs Christmas Party

I crave intimacy.

My defenses crumble. My heart cracks open.

Joy and pleasure demand more room in my heart.

Love expands me. I take up more space.

I make more sound. I cry more.

It takes Courage to Love.

I am falling in love with me who is falling in love.

What sounds do I make when my Heart is Open?

I sigh.

I breathe in contentment.

My voice is soft.

My jaw relaxes. I salivate. My lips are soft and wet. I round out vowels and consonants.

I speak slow and  melodic.

Listening to my Heart is ALOT slower than listening to my mind. A Shaman in San Antonio, Texas said to me:

Close your eyes.  

Your eyes go straight to your head and play tricks on you.

Open your ears.

Your ears go straight to your Heart.

Listen to your Heart,

not your Mind.

Heart Rays Original Art by Carola Marashi M.A. Intuitive Guide

It takes patience to listen to my heart when it hurts! It’s like learning a new language.

I listen to my intuition:

Your heart contracts in pain. Your heart is tightly bound up with thick layers of scar tissue. Sensations come through delayed and distorted.

Pause. Reflect. No need to react.

Breathe deep into your belly. Your heart softens and expands now that you’re cracking open. Yes. Your wall is cracking.

Now speak with your heart open.

(Usually it’s just one syllable.)

Ouch.

Geez! Just one word-

“OUCH!”

That’s all I need to say when I’m hurting and don’t know what else to say?

When I hear someone else say “Ouch!” Literally I’m all ears. Willing and compassionate.

As a ‘tough kid’ I made some strong promises to protect myself.

What I thought was holding my heart up has been holding me down. 

Instead of free of pain, I’ve been caged.

gargoyleMy defenses have strict rules:

“Do not desire anything that you can’t control.”  Especially home, family, security.

“You can take my Body, but you can’t take my Soul.” It’s easy to check out and dis-engage from any scene if I don’t like what’s going on. Besides, No one is really counting on me.

“Be vague and aloof and then No One gets hurt.”  Namely- Me.

I built this wall around me. Brick by brick so that by the time I was 9 years old, you couldn’t hurt me.  My wall proved to work. I survived physical abuse, neglect, and starvation.  My older brothers didn’t seem to fare as well. At 9 years old I believed “They must have been too soft.” 

My Motto: “I’m tough. I’m too smart for that. You can’t touch me on the inside.”

I trained my ears and eyes to protect me from getting hurt. Growing up hitch hiking, hanging out in bars, and living on the streets, I developed a sharp intuition.  To this day voice inflection, posture, even the smell of pain and anger make me duck and hide.  My skill for perceiving distress is Hyper Developed. I can smell Anger, Sadness, Anxiety, Grief a mile away. Gestures like furrowed eye brows, tense jaws, clenched fists, slumped shoulders, rubbing forehead, wringing hands, leaning backward or shallow breathing are neon signs blinking ‘beware’.

The Sounds of Pain and Distress are Loudest.

The slightest change in a person’s voice speaks volumes! Pitch, tone, rhythm of speech floods my auditory field. Sometimes I can barely hear the words. The sound of emotion drowns out the content.

I am quick to interpret your non-verbal gestures.  And I Dash- Dart- Duck- Dive or Dodge- without you even noticing. You know, emotionally disappear while acting like I’m engaged. I am sad to admit that with 12 years of therapy and a Master’s Degree in Psychology, I believed my emotions were invisible.  My Totem Animal is Opossum!  I really thought I could play dead. Until a housemate said to me:

“Carola, when you think you’re invisible, you suck the oxygen out of the room!”

Turning attention toward pleasure and joy is real Mastery. I spent a weekend in a ‘Rivers of Joy’ Family Constellation workshop with Stephen Victor.  I discovered that I’m lonely behind my wall. Aloof and arrogant may keep me from having a broken heart, yet it is exhausting to maintain.

My innocence desires authentic connection.

My integrity requires me to be congruent with my word. 

A few years ago I taught obese children and their families healthy eating at the YMCA. By simply showing up, the parents demonstrated that they loved their children. I had to follow their love muscle. I couldn’t follow what my mind ‘saw’ which was – parents feeding their kids junk food. Following my heart, listening to my heart, I let love lead. I was able to engage them and build trust and build relationship. I had to demonstrate compassion. They followed. I had to show them my heart-that led them to their heart. My heart was naked and exposed.

Vulnerability clears a room full of arrogance. 

Rivers of JoyIt takes Courage to Love.

Courage to Love requires a soft heart. 

Courage to Love requires I drop defenses. 

Courage to Love means I feel alive! Joy! Pleasure! and Pain.

A soft, plump heart pumping courage to love might feel naked and exposed, yet it glistens with resilience. 

An Open Heart Melts Fear into a River of Joy.

 

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Do you feel your Heart aching to Expand?
Are you Falling in Love with YOU who’s falling in Love?
Can you say YES to Courage to Love?
 
My sessions are intended to help you listen to your heart’s desire.
971-238-6282 
(Customary love offering $1 per minute.)

Strengthening Your Intuition helps you listen and respond to your own Inner Guidance.

It takes Courage to Love. Your answers are inside you. 

cropped-images-4.jpeg

Carola says Howdy

Learning how to listen and respond to your intuition can save your life or the life of someone else. Read more here about trusting your intuition.

Thanks for reading my blog!

Shedding Skin,

Carola

If you find yourself hesitating, doubting yourself, or questioning your inner voice, I am here to serve you. I listen with soft ears and open heart. 

It takes Courage to Love. Your answers are inside you.

971-238-6282  (Customary love offering $1 per minute.)

Loving the Pacific NW Tilt,

Carola Marashi M.A. Published Author, Therapist, Writing Coach 30 years of professional experience. Carola Marashi M.A. Intuition CounselorCarola Marashi has a Master’s Degree in Transpersonal Psychology and is a published author of 2 books: Sensual Eating; and Sacred Dance ( includes a 22 Card divination deck of her original artwork).

Carola listens with soft ears and an open heart and mind. Her soul purpose is to help others follow their heart, trust their intuition, discover and walk their path. Sessions can be on the phone or skype.  Carola lives near Portland Oregon with her beloved, cat and a garden blossoming with love.

What some folks have said about Carola’s sessions:

“Carola’s intuition ability is excellent! Through her fine-tuned listening, she helped me unearth core areas in my personal life that had been unexamined; she supported me to become more empowered and clear.”

“She has a special ability to listen in a way that allows you to connect with your true self. She is a steady, insightful and a supportive guide. Through her skillful leadership I developed confidence in my ability to connect with myself more deeply.”

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971-238-6282 

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