I’m preparing for our last session that’s tomorrow. I want to feel complete.
I want closure with our process. I want to sift through the debris and hand pick what I put in my front pocket before I walk out the door.
I put on my glasses. I turn the light on bright. Reaching with both hands, I put the large heavy container of beads on my lap.
With a big exhale, I dig both hands in and touch each bead. The colors make patterns as a waterfall of beads runs through my fingers. I see streaks of reds, blues, silvers and golds undulate like ribbons of fine sand.
Every once in a while something catches my eye. A sparkle here, a beam there, or the sound of chink rings in my ears when one bead collides into another.
I continue to sift rather than cherry pick right now. I’m enjoying the rhythm and stroking sensation. It’s almost like the beads are sucking out fear, doubt, and unworthiness turning the sludge into gems and jewels.
I look down as rubies, diamonds, tigers eye, turquoise and jet black onyx tumble over the palms of both hands.
I tip my chin up in the air and open my mouth wide as a butterfly drops nectar on the tip of my tongue. Sweet liquid honey splashes and coats my lips. I lick my lips shiny wet and suck my tongue dry swallowing sweetness.
I reflect: Each tear I’ve cried, Each secret I’ve whispered, Each regret I’ve released in this office has turned into pure adornment. The only thing that makes sense right now is to create beauty.
Pat the soil down now. You’re done digging.
Leave the place more beautiful than when you entered.
Yes. I dug into the smooth hard pavement under my feet.
I had to pound to break apart the solid surface.
I disturbed the foundation that’s been holding me up.
I cracked open. I penetrated. I let air in. I let rain in. I gave room for worms to crawl and made it easier for the sun to warm up dormant seeds planted decades ago.
I wring my hands to shake off the clinging dirt.
I cry. I drool. I full belly laugh.
I clap my hands three times.
I get up from my hands and knees. I pat down the soil to smooth out the lumps with my bare feet.
I wiggle my hips, shake softly and then shake from head to my toes rigorously.
Now I know what I’m taking home from our last session together.
The one gem that stood out for me is now in the palm of my hand.
It’s sky blue with black and brown veins like spider veins. I see infinity with stretch marks. Depth, wisdom, and audacity rest in the palm of my hand. I kiss the turquoise gem and stick it in my front jeans pocket.
I quietly close the door and take a step forward.