LEAP OF FAITH

LEAP and Linger.

My 53rd Birthday Present.  Tandem Paragliding over Southern Oregon Mountains.

Linger.

Linger is my new friend.  I choose to become very familiar, as intimate as I can with Linger.

“To be slow in parting”

is one definition. My relationship with this word linger stuck to me like ‘white on rice’ in contact improvisation dance. In my last jam, we were directed to talk with a partner about how we like to initiate and close our intimate contact dances with each other. Instantly I saw how I ‘leave’ a dance is how I move through my world. Withdraw. Dis-Engage. Drop Out. Impulsively I laughed aloud in class. If I had lingered even briefly, I would have felt sad and not laughed.

A dear friend Nick Crane gifted me with a tandem Paraglide flight. Tandem Paraglide  How ironic that he was my contact partner that I dropped, withdrew, disengaged without notice during dance…Now his pre-flight instructions:  

“I’m strapping you into this harness. When I say run, you run. When I say stop, you stop. Now RUN!”

I sprinted toward the edge of the mountain, pulling him and our wing attached to strands of long colorful lines. And then I lept off a mountain top with Nick close behind me. We were caught by our one long wing filled with air. We glided silently and gracefully high in the sky.

Running, pulling, leaping and then just being carried felt too opposite.  I wanted to flinch, jerk, somehow throw off this Huge Rush of adrenaline making my thigh muscles twitch.  Yet my gift was to just sit and relax into the beauty that enveloped us. Lingering suspends the moment and pleasure expands time and space. Sitting still, I actively moaned and exhaled loudly, to calm myself down. I intended to enjoy the ‘flight’ of paragliding with my friend Nick.

What do I hold onto when I let go?

Jumping off a mountain, what did I hold onto? I trusted my familiar relationship with Nick. We’ve been dancing together for 6 years in Ecstatic Dance/Contact Improvisation in Ashland, Oregon.Contact Improvisation  I know he’s a Paraglide Instructor and flown Tandems hundreds of times. My body knows his body. I trust that he is in his body.  I trust Nick and I have faith in me. Floating through the sky, hovering over mountains, cattle, and sage brush I wondered how Faith relates to Intuition.  I hear myself say “Trust Your Intuition.” How about “Have Faith in Your Intuition”?

Leap of Faith!

Following my intuition frequently feels like a leap of faith. My last blog post broke all my rules of self-preservation and left me feeling raw and exposed. Amidst all the support of my friends, and new friends, my trust in others reached an all time LOW.  Since my last post, I have felt awkward stares, and sideways polite hugs. Fear of alienation escalated after a difficult conversation with a girlfriend.  Instead of going to the second day of a Yoga Festival-I withdrew. A whole Yoga buffet of  lingering moments to sink into myself…I chose to skip out.

In retrospect, authentic blogging compares to dying and being reborn. Transformation is a rush. What follows is a crash. Rushes are not sustainable.

I spent Saturday wandering around town alone feeling lost. Within familiar (withdraw), I did something different (engage). Later in the evening, I humbly asked a friend to listen to me and reflect honesty.  We walked up a dirt road in full moon light.  I was throwing rocks and sobbing.  My friend courageously said to me,

“Carola, it’s time to talk to your Higher Power.  Ask God questions. Surrender.”

Grrr…I gritted my teeth, made a fist.  Dammit! I spit under my breath.

“Surrender? Trust God?”

Quietly, he walked me home. I wanted to be alone with my journal and pen and sulk awhile. The Yoga Festival was in my neighborhood. Jai Uttal was playing a Kirtan outside on a full moon, down the hill from my house. No way could I participate in a spiritual celebration. I was angry. I was angry with God.  Once alone, I furiously started writing.

“God, how can I trust you? You ditched me when I needed you.”

“How can I have faith you’re here for me, when I can’t count on you?”

I had never allowed myself to be angry with God, Higher Power, Spirit before. I kept writing, crying, asking, writing. Writing helps me listen. Writing helps me linger a little longer with my feelings. The message I got from ‘God, Spirit, Higher Power’ when I surrendered:

LINGER. Hang just a little longer!

Have a little faith? Have a little hope? Ask for help from my Higher Power?

Hmmm.  What is my relationship with My Higher Power? Okay God. Do I feel your presence? Do I really know I’m not alone? Where were you? or Where are you? I’m not angry that my parents abandoned me-I’m angry that YOU abandoned me.  I gotta be honest with me. I lived in HELL. I’m angry that you were not there.  If you were there-is that even harder to accept?  I feel lost and I want help.  I’m feeling hope-LESS. I am sooo ready to check out. Really lost/HURT/ angry that I keep losing energy fighting this alone. God I’m asking for your guidance. Please point out my path so I can stay committed to my path. yeah. I keep feeling like I’m on a detour. 

 God! Right now I am in Hell. Hell is inside me. My mind. My doubt.

My path God? Goddess? What did you put me here to ‘DO’?  I nod my head. I feel the truth. Yeah. I can feel the truth in this. God, you didn’t make it easy ’cause my Path isn’t easy. 

 Oh…The journey of a Shaman/ Healer- you try to Kill them. Right. Living in Hell had a purpose. My dying and coming alive-helps me be whole. My forgiveness is real.

I can Accept now – this descent into Hell.  This ain’t religion I’m believing. This belief is real inside me. Is this Faith?

 Yep. I feel the space open in my gut-when I hear the truth. I am here to Love. Accept. Forgive. My path is to Love my enemy. Forgive my enemy. Accept my enemy. Be better than my enemy. My enemy is inside me- it’s my Doubt. 

 Did I ask? Did I surrender?

“Carola You are here to know what it is to be alive, breathe, move from your heart and soul. Then you bring others to their Hearts. Simple.”

 Okay. I feel you. I am not alone. You do help me feel You-through others. Ah Yes! Human Angels. My dear friend who held me and told me to talk to you- is a Human Angel. Thank you God, Goddess. I am smiling. I am at Peace Now.

Back to Linger.  Linger is what I ‘DO’ to help me surrender to Spirit. Linger conjures subtlety.  Linger helps me respond instead of react. While I linger, I quiet down to listen to my intuition. The more faith I have in me, as a newly born Adult, the more I can relax and linger a little while longer. Like right now writing. I’m lingering.

 
Thanks for joining me. My Human Angel.MarcusScott
Unsteady, wobbly, shaky? Your higher self is requesting attention. My sessions are intended to sharpen your own tools for self discovery.

512-925-0625  (Customary love offering $1 per minute.)

Intuition Counseling helps you listen and respond to your own inner guidance. Have faith in your intuition.

About Me-Carola Marashi M.A.I live simply in Southern Oregon on a permaculture sanctuary owned and designed by my Heart Circle Mate. Surrounding me are gardens, animals, wild nature, and a wild dance community with open hearts.

My Intuition Counseling (since 1982) weaves authenticity, integrity, art and movement. I am author of 2 self-published books: SENSUAL EATING, and SACRED DANCE with 22 Card Tarot Deck. I hold a Masters degree in Transpersonal Psychology and Bachelor’s degree in Nutrition. I am Co-Founder of Body Choir Ecstatic Dance Established 1994.  In Austin, Sante Fe, Ashland, Medford.

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You can pay for your Intuitive Counseling through Pay Pal.

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“Your seeds are going to grow. Just wait and see.” The promise of a 6 year old.

I planted seeds in little black pots 15 days ago.10365334_10152176209594141_4294130437035387578_o

Even while I planted them I could feel doubt leaking through my pores dampening my gloves from the inside.  I kept sighing heavily and under my weighted breath, I mumble to myself “Damn! It takes so much patience handling these delicate tiny seeds!”

1512123_10152176209374141_1716312486319668743_oThe gruff work of dragging out the wheelbarrow from our garden shed, throwing 25 pound bags of potting mix and a shovel into the wheelbarrow warms my muscles. I enjoy feeling blood surge through my body as I lift, swing, bend and stretch while mixing soil in the belly of wheelbarrow with my hands. Shaking soil out of large bags of potting mix doesn’t take muscle dexterity or attention to detail. Just a little heave hoh! I suck in my stomach muscles, lift the bag. I bend and stretch my lower back, spread wide my shoulders and shake the soil free into a large vessel. I love the feeling of digging my whole hands, up to my forearms and wiggling my fingers into soft, rich, lightly damp earth with no gloves on.

10379799_10152176209469141_636292424527217925_oThe contrast, though, is tearing open a little paper bag the size of my palm and reaching in to take out tiny seeds between my finger tips. I fumble and grope and the pit of my stomach grips with frustration.  Detail and delicacy counting minute seeds overwhelm me. Instantly frustration blooms into anger.  Doubt floods my nervous system like dropping a dam in a gushing river.

I drop the little packet of seeds into the wheelbarrow and step away, shaking and sweating.

I squat down on the lower step of the deck and put my head in my hands. I am so familiar with this sensation of frustration that takes over me.  Flashes of kindergarten handwriting lessons and scolding to sit still and be quiet from my teachers. I blunder to myself,

“How can I do this differently this time? How can I let doubt run through me instead of drive me?”

I actually hear myself answer.

“Open both valves and let the doubt run through you. Open and take it in. Then open and let it run out of you. Feel it run like a current and flow.”

Wow! I feel a rush.  Caffeine and white rapids run through me.  Fear and thrill are so close together.

Heat and moisture exude from my fingertips and ignite life force held in this tiny seed.  Hope, faith, and determination are tied together inside this eensy weensy seed.  I feel a deep quiver near the base of my spine as my skin touches the seed’s skin. I breathe. I take another big inhale and slow down my exhale.  My heart bangs in my chest and instead of anger I just breathe in the sensation.  Is this excitement?  Is this anticipation?  Is this hope?  I keep a little tiny seed pinched between my fingertips and sit at the edge of the deck.

1493544_10152176209514141_699298959580009129_oI drop the seed in the palm of my left hand.  With my hand turned open to the sun, I look at this sweet tiny fleck of cosmos flower seed cradled in my hot pink sweaty palm.  Blood is rushing through my hands from lifting, shaking, stirring gardening soil mix.  This little seed looks like it is sleeping, dreaming, totally blissed out. In this oval shaped speck holds a flower from sprout to blossom.  It carries an entire lifespan of beauty and service.  I hold in the palm of my hand a being that brings pleasure to insects, children, and my beloved who appreciates flowers in vases.

Heat and moisture exude from my fingertips and ignite the life force in this tiny seed.

“Hey, you wanna see my sunflower?”

My Master Gardener buddy asks me.  He proudly shows me his sunflower sprouting out of his handmade flower pot he created from scrap auto parts from his Dad.10010201_10152171238179141_8834986864897916197_o

“Wow, that’s awesome! My seeds haven’t sprouted yet.”

I say.

“Your seeds are going to grow. Just wait and see.”

He promises.

17 days later.

10295184_10152176268374141_7240098216485326980_oJust like my buddy knew, seeds sprout. That’s just what they do.

Energy flows.

“Where attention goes, spirit flows.”

That’s just what life does.

 

 

Carola Marashi M.A. Heart Whisperer

Carola Marashi M.A. Intuition CounselorAbout Me-Carola Marashi M.A., Published Author and Writing Coach.

I have a Master’s Degree in Transpersonal Psychology and author of 2 books-Sensual Eating, 1992; and Sacred Dance and 22 Card divination deck of my original art, 2010 2nd Edition.

As a writing coach, I listen with soft ears- to breath, pauses, rhythm of speech and the words chosen. Our ears go straight to our heart. My purpose is to help others follow their heart, trust their intuition and walk their path.

Sessions can be on the phone or skype. Currently I live in Beaverton Oregon west of Portland with my beloved and 2 cats.

Donate securely using Paypal – no membership required.

You can pay through pay pal.

512-925-0625

 

Donate securely using Paypal - no membership required

You can pay through pay pal.

512-925-0625

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