Shedding Skin Writing- It’s important to me…

Connection is important to me.

As a soloprenuer I need to be my own best coach. I scroll my social ‘feed’ searching for connection. My higher self knows I’m not being fed. I leave ‘hangry’.  

Connection is important to me. Disconnection is death for me. It’s that black and white. When I connect with others, it’s my soul that connects. When I connect with soul-I’m grounded, centered, and I’m fully alive.  It doesn’t matter what emotions run through me or what thoughts are in my head when I’m connected. Actually I’m open and none of that sticks. When I’m connected-I’m whole. I’m an open hole. I flow. I’m not my emotions or thoughts or actions when I’m connected. I’m flow. I’m light. This is not new-agey.

Right now I see my basket spilling over. I’m abundant with wisdom and willingness. I’m laughing and my basket spills over and this makes me laugh more. I’m delighted to dribble generosity. I will always be a philanthropist even when I’m broke. I will always be spilling over with laughter, tears, moans and sighs as long as I’m alive.

Connection is important to me. Isolation is death. Connection is fresh dew drops in the morning. Connection is my feather pillow and blanket. Connection is my picnic. Connection is my rainbow after the storm.

Movement helps me breathe, which helps me connect to now. I can handle now. Getting in touch with the present is my self care. 

Before now, self care was being self reliable and self sufficient. Basically my inner coach told me “you’re on your own kid”.  Before now, I conflated self care with self preservation.  Today in my Shedding Skin writing practice-I went on a journey of self discovery. Scratching words on my paper with my pencil calmed me. The sound soothed me. Slowing down to track my thoughts got me present with my curiosity. The act of shedding, sifting, culling my words led me to lingering and savoring and finally connecting to what’s real. I have a voracious appetite for authenticity.

Self care is stronger than self reliance. Self care is wiser than survival. Self care knows that resilience is connecting with others. Self care is cultivating nourishing connections. In my creative psyche-I’ve built my nest from weaving together my connections.  Before now I believed that leaving the nest was necessary for survival. Growing up-my nest wasn’t home. If home is where your heart is, my home was outside my family’s house. My home was connecting with trees, insects, sky, nature.

Right now I’m writing from my office. I see a baby Robin hopping around a dirt pile with its Mother. It’s the same baby bird my partner saw hit the ground. He picked it up with his gloved hand and set it softly in a flower bed. It seemed stunned for several hours, now it’s in our back yard staying close to Mom.

My office is my nest. My home is my sanctuary. I don’t have to disconnect from my nest to take risks. I don’t have to separate from home to grow. Before now I thought I had to rip and tear and break through to grow. Self discovery doesn’t have to be a bloody mess. Transformation is becoming more of who I am, not changing who I am.

I don’t have to change to become.

Dance has taught me that connecting with others helps me connect with myself. That’s not a weakness. I don’t have to feel ashamed that I need people. Self-reliance and self-preservation are bullshit. That shit keeps me in survival mode and sucks the life right out of me. Being connected to nature helps me see resilience.

Right now I’m watching a mother bird feed its baby regurgitated worms. Wow! That baby bird is getting stronger by being connected with its mother, not weaker. When that baby bird fell out of its nest it did return. It didn’t leave for good after its first flight. I’m laughing at myself. I really believed that once it left its nest, it couldn’t return.

I believed once I left my nest I couldn’t return. I’m celebrating my new found realization that I don’t have to leave home to grow. I don’t have to leave my relationship to become more of who I am. I’m outgrowing my beliefs, not outgrowing my home.

Since I’ve been ‘here’ in Aloha with my beloved, I’ve been taking small steps of huge transformation. I know I’m a grown up when I can cut my hair, not cut my relationship. I can relax enough inside my skin to grow into an Adult size of 8-10. I shed my size, not all of me. I can catch my breath and finish my sentence. I am home now. Through connecting with each other we individually get stronger.

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